Inferior

I always wonder why boys love me. My mind full of doubts whenever they say I love you to me. There is so many questions in my mind. Why me? Are you kidding? Am I good enough for you?Your parents can accept a girl like me?

Tell frankly, I am really inferior of myself. I am not as good as other girls. I realize that I am so lazy compared to other girls in my hostel. They wash their dirty clothes while I send my dirty clothes to laundry in the hostel. They do housekeeping for their room that I never ever think before. I am so lazy and it results in everything around me is so messy. I don't even know how to tidy up my room and my clothes. Seriously, I don't think messy will cause any trouble to me so I just let it be.Well, may be you think that I can change my laziness but you will know it's hard to change if you born with it. I try to tidy up my room and my clothes but it becomes messy after two or three days. I try to keep it neatly but it doesn't work! I tried so hard to make all the things neatly and tidy but seems like it is destined to be so messy unless I don't touch them. So, what else I can do? I wish that I am a hardworking girl so that I won't think that messy will not bring me any troubles and I will tidy up my room when neccessary. I won't make my clothes messy and think it looks good and convenient for me to look for my clothes when it's messy. I wonder why boys will say I love you to a girl who is so messy like me.

I don't have good characters that a typical good girl should have. Somemore, I am very hot temper and stubborn. My emotion change easily and I couldn't hide my feeling well.I will definitely show faces no matter how hard I try to hide it. So, I choose not to hide my feeling. I will throw tantrum to anyone whenever I am unhappy with something. Actually, I just want to express my feeling when I throw tantrum to someone and not mean to hurt her/his feeling.I really envy those who can hide their feeling and put smile face eventhough they are not satisfy with someone. I think this kind of people look like very fake because they put on a mask whenever they socialize with others. However, this kind of people have a lot of friends and everyone like to be friends with them compared to me. My speed of my emotional change and the way I express my true feeling make me offend a lot of people so I have only a few munber of friends.Of course, they won't tell me they don't like me nor my offensive words because they put on a mask. They will smile at you and act like there is nothing happen since they are so good in hiding their true feeling. I know I should change my attitude. The reality world is cruel and noone will like you for no reasons. They don't even care to know the real you. You will have a lot of friends if only you are willing to put on a mask. I think I should learn to be like them so I will get a lot of friends although I don't know why I want to have 'a lot of friends'. Well, back to the topic, a girl who is the centre of a group of friends or concern by everyone would be the favourite of boys. I am just a girl who have not much friends don't even have to relate me to the centre of everyone. I am just too far for that. A girl who is so emo and always throw tantrum make herself looks like so unreasonable. What makes boys fall for me since I am so unreasonable?

I have no talent, not pretty and I am not from a rich family. I am not as good as others from every aspect. Haiz..So, tell me how to make me believe that you really love me. I know that love is about the feeling. But the feeling can last for how long if I am not good in everything. 1 month? 1 years? One of my friend say that nowadays boys like to look for rich girl to be their gf, so the girl can help them in their career in future. Somemore, can make them proud bacause their gf is comes from rich family. I really stunned when I heard that. I feel sad that why the world is so realistic. I feel like it's hard for me to fit in this realistic world. I know clearly what's the difference of girl who have a rich family and poor family and I finally get what my friend means its better to having a rich gf. Girls from rich family can buy expensive and branded stuff which is high quality compare to cheap stuff. Girls from rich family have more talent compare to poor one because they have so much extra money for them to learn this learn that. Girls from rich family is much more nice looking than a girl from poor family because they can maintain their skin and their hair looks nice by using good product which is can't afford by a poor girl. I am not born with all of these...I guess all of you get what I mean right? I am really not that good and it's not weird that I doubt their love right?

I have to declare that I didn't blame my parents even though they are not rich. I can feel their love that I can never feel it from others. My parents love me unconditionally especially my father. I can't pay all the things that he has done for me no matter what I do for him.My father do everything for me more than his reposibilities for a daughter. I am really touch whenever he do like that. I am so shame that I don't even dare to say thank you to him although I really appreciate what he has done for me. Well, it's really hard for me to open my mouth to say thank you to him but I will definitely express my appreciation to him by action. I want to give him and my family the best thing just like he keep all the best things to me and my family. I remember that he says he and my mother love me more than they love my younger brother and sister. Yes, I strongly agree with him. I always think that I must have a bf who can treat me like the way my father treat me. As I said my parent not rich but my father can buy me a thing which might make him have no money to buy another thing that he wants. I strongly believe that he will get everything that I want by sacrifice himself including his life. However, I am big enough to know that many things that I want are out of my parent's ability. I won't request anything unreasonable from them and I am so ashame to ask them to give me this and that since they sacrifice a lot for me. They suffer a lot in life and suffer a lot to give me a better life, I hope I can graduate from U as soon as possible and let them have a better life. If can, I really wish that the one who have to suffer is me but not them....God, I know that You put my family in poor condition for us to experience it and learn to strive for life. I don't expect to have a easy life but I hope that I can give my parents comfortable life in future. I am too scare to lose them and I am too afraid that I have no enough time to do anything for them. God, please bless them to stay healthy so I can take care of them and give them comfortable life in future....Amen.