Emo..Why being cheated again???

Today is a real bad day...The result is not as good as what I expected...even my friend also says that my result is so poor (no..i never blame her to say so...because i know it's really poor). 3.xx....sienz...if next sem still get the same result..I reallly dunno how can I get 1st class honour.. Or it is predestined that i will only get second-upper honour or even worse?! Haiz...this is not the worst thing happens today...J told me that she get 3.xx which is higher than me but I find out that her gpa is below 3 when i read her blog just now...I know that she get 2.xx from another friend too...Why? Why she wanna cheat me?? Why she think that she cannot tell me her real result? I thought she is a reliable friend...I thought she is one of my good friend in U..I thought we can share things among each other... but now she is cheating me....Does it really can make her feel better to let me know that she get better result than me?? Is it she afraid that after I know her result is poor than me, i will look down on her? I will laugh on her? Am I this kind of person? Is it that our friendship never exists? Or else it's just my silly thought abt our friendship? Really emo now..I know she always wanna compete with me...I never think of wanna compete with her also...she is my friend..I won't feel happy just because I get better result than her!! I will definitely happy for her if she really score higher marks than me or whatsoever..But why? why she treat me like this? Is it that she never regard me as her friend?? I am worrying abt our friendship..I really wish it's just a misunderstanding among us..Too bad it's not..everything is in black and white ...it's true no matter I choose to believe it or not..When I read her blog and find out that her result is not that good...I really feel sad for her..I even feel like calling her to comfort her but I really not dare to call her..I don't wanna let her know that I discover she lies..I really dont wanna make her feel even worse...I really don't have the courage to talk abt this to her....I will hurt her feeling if i raise this topic to her right? My heart tell me that I couldn't hurt her feeling since she is my friend...she is not merely a normal friend but one of my good friend in U..I can't afford to lose the friend...I should treasure the friendship right? I promise, I am not gonna talk abt this to other friends for the sake of our friendship..I am not gonna hurt her feeling eventhough she lies..If she feels better to let me know that she get better than me...just let it be..at least she feels better..

唉！

考试结束了，我应该开心吧？我一点也不开心，但这和考试没关系。到现在我才发现，最难过的并不是觉得不开心，而是连不开心都不能表现出来。有些人说，发脾气是种幼稚的行为。那不发脾气，不把我肚子里满满的不开心发泄出来，是否就是成熟？我能忍，但我忍得很辛苦。我不懂，如果我连在你面前表现我真实感受都不能，那这段感情还有什么意义。我很想告诉你，我不开心是因为你没有说到做到。是不是对我说过的话都能这样儿戏？为什么会这样？不负责任？是不是你对任何人都这样？我很想对你大发脾，但我没有。我知道自己是个脾气暴躁的人，但我并不想再对任何人发脾气。我必须成熟，我想不到任何理由对人大发脾气。我想做个100分的人，不仅为了我自己，也为了你，我真的很想让你因为我而感到骄傲。但这一切都令我非常沮丧。为什么我们天天都见面，我却觉得我们的距离越来越远？人家都说感情会随着时间越谈越淡，对我来说正好相反，我觉得这段感情在我心里只会越来越浓。我知道现实生活往往会磨掉感情，一段感情少了新鲜感是很难维持的。不管功课多忙，考试多重要，我总会花些时间想些有趣的东西，逗你开心，让你不觉得跟我在一起是很闷的。我知道我是个很闷的人，我不懂是否闷坏了你，我不懂和我在一起的你是否开心。事实上，我闷到连我空闲时想做什么，我自己都不知道。除了看戏，看书，听歌，上网，还是重复看戏，看书，听歌，上网。。。我真的尽力了，我也希望你能看到。但这一切`还是令我沮丧，为什么你会在陪我的时间心不在焉？为什么你不肯花点心思在我身上？为什么你总说你累？是我让你觉得累了？为什么我能让你觉得你在我心目中是最重要的，而你却让我觉得我在你心目中是样样都比我重要？我在想，是否要我停止对你好，你才会想起我的好？我是否不应该把你看得太重？跟我有深厚感情的人并不多，但对我来说，还是很多人对我来说非常非常的重要。我是否必须多花时间及精神在他们身上，而不是你？我真的很想告诉你，我对你好并不是理所当然。虽然我并不要求任何回报，可是你必须符合一个我值得对他好的人的标准。至到现在，我依然相信爱是无条件的，但这种说法只能在一种情况下成立，那就是他或她必须是个值得你这样做的人。

拿得起放得下，放不下的就别拿。

现在的心情，除了不安，还是不安。不知为什么，我越不想这样，我的心就越不听使唤。。我不喜欢这样，一点都不喜欢。我越不想看，就越清晰。我越不想想，脑里想的却是同一件事。我越想逃，就越逃不掉。。。为什么？为什么？我的人生不应该这样，真的不应该就只是这样，我不甘心。。。我不想重蹈覆辙，不应该再被同样的事情困扰。拿得起放得下，放不下的就别拿。这句话说得很对。自问，我有什么事能放得下的？没有！就因为执着，我什么都不想放下，什么都不愿放下，到最后却把自己拖垮了。很多时候，我们肩上的担子，不是别人给的，而是自己给自己的。我真的该好好反省了。。。也许放下会更好。。。

Haiz...

My classmates think I am a very hardworking (of course in studying not house chores ) and serious person. Even they don't know much about me but they can tell all these by looking at my homeworks, class participation and the way I handle my assignments. I have no comments about this because I am really serious in studying. However, I feel uncomfortable with them by saying that I am a typical top student and I sure can score well in exams. I might be a good student but definitely not a top student. Its my responsibility to do this as a student. I don't know what makes them think I am a typical top student ==". No matter how hard I trying to deny it, they will think that I am just being modest. I admit that I am too concern about how people judge me so any unintended judgments can easily hurt my feeling. I don't know how would they look at me if they know my result is only average but not excellent. This makes me really stress. I wish I can be the top student too..(of course it's not only because of them but it's for self-achievement also) haiz...All these are only their opinions but why end up I am the one being so depressed?

It's over!

Really angry of myself!! I still feel sad that I went late for the exam :( haiz.. Keep telling myself it' over and no use crying over split milk..The exam won't be held again...Everything is over...There is nothing can change the current situation.. I have to accept the fact that I will get low marks for the test....No matter how many effort I put in it..It just screw up like that and there is nothing I can do now. Nothing!! Regret? For what? Sad? So what? It's all my fault!!Haiz...Everything is too late now...It's too late..Too late for everything!Haizz...I should delete it from my memory so I won't think of it again and again..I need to do it..I should not be defeated...Haiz..I have to admit this incident has been affected my mood for the coming tests. Haiz..I must think positively so it won't affect the coming test's performance...Haiz..just don't think about it..I might forget about it sooner or later..:(

Perfectionist!!

I'm always disappointed in myself for not reaching the goal that I wanted to achieve!Some of them say what I want is just too perfect. It's not gonna be materialized. I don't think they are right. I am not a perfectionist. I know very well noone around the world could be perfect. I never expect myself to be the perfect one but why I still fail to achieve my target? Is it that I expect too much of myself? High expectation always comes with high disappoinment, this is what my friend told me. I don't believe it but now...haiz.. I always think that it will never come true if you don't even think of it or give it a try!!! I think I was wrong. Totally wrong! May be it is just not mean to be yours. You will never get it no matter how hard you tried. I always expect myself to achieve this and that. It's sad to know that I can't achieve the result that I wanted. It's even worse than you can't achieve others' expectations.Really feel bad. How am I going to continue to work on it? It seems like I have in no position to have it!! Longing for something always but it never comes true. I doubt it will come true.Have faith in myself? It doesn't work!

Lost again!!!

Hate myself. It's not complicated at all. It's just as simple as that. Please don't think too much!!! Stop blurring! Midterm test is coming soon. I should have prepared well for it but I feel so unprepared! Found it even hard after studying!!!! My brain is still so empty to answer those questions in my mind. Why? Why? Why? Should I stop asking why?! Why such stupid thing always happen to me? This makes me even more stupid!!!! Don't I look stupid enough?

有感而发

你的失望
我的难堪
我应如何面对？
是我
是我让你不开心
我知道
我无法弥补
我的过失
我更无法给你
你要的快乐
这一切
是否意味着
我不应该
跨过
这似有似无的界线？

Exhausted

Exhausted by overwork? I don't think so and I don't know why am I feeling exhausted. This makes me emo....zzz..I am seriously bad. Always bring this kind of bad mood to people around me.In fact, I not sure whether they affected by me. If yes, really sorry to them. I know you won't blame me right? I don't mean to feel down and emo...But..Haiz...Lazy to type it out....I think it will affect your mood when you are reading it. Anyway, it's not a big deal. I think I can handle it well. All I need is your moral support. It's glad to know that you are always by my side to cheer me up. Thanks to you, my friends.

Desperate

I hate socialization. To me, socialize with others really hard. Harder than maths. Harder than everything. I wonder why I can't do it well. Facing so many people everyday tires me. Really tired. Sometimes I would think that may be I am predestined to be alone in my life. May be I am not suitable to be a friend, a good friend, a good girlfriend or good family member. I should be deserted by everyone.

I don't know how others judge me. I don't really know they like me or hate me. It seems I can get along with them very well. It seems like everything is fine. It seems like I am the one being so sensitive. I hate myself care about it so much. I hate myself for being so sensitive. I shouldn't think about it. Everything will be fine. I should not worry about it.

I guess I am too desperate today....zzz

Life lies

Well...I don't like to twist and turn. I don't like to hide my feeling in front of everyone but my life is different from now onwards. I can't reveal my true feeling in front of everyone. I am not that straight forward anymore. Tell frankly, i find it hard to hide my true feeling but i have to learn. I knew it's important to survive in this world. I have to put on a mask so that others will like me. I have to hide the truth and tell people those things they like to listen to. Actually, it is not that hard. I am smart enough to master it. Seriously, i have to learn to be fake so that I can succeed in my life. Alisson, you must learn it!

I won't tell you the truth. I won't tell you my true feeling. It will only make everything goes wrong. It will only affect our life. I found something interesting. It sounds funny because I not dare to request anything from you. Until now, this is the only thing that I hide from you so you will never know what I need. Well. May be I really don't need anything from you.Sounds funny right? I can request everything directly from everyone but not you. Anyway, I should keep it up to be fake. Don't blame me for putting on a mask.

Confusing

Really unhappy now. Don't feel like talking to anyone.It's just something in my heart make me confusing. I dunno why i have to keep all the feeling in front of you. I dunno why i have to hide my true feeling and smile with you. I dunno. Where is the real me?I don't feel like talking to you. Really confusing now....

Sweat..

I wonder why someone who is older and more experience than me still doing such a childish matter. She blames others when something goes wrong? Why she must blame the innocent one?
Why don't she think that the one who did the fault have to responsible for it and not blame it on others?It seems like she is looking excuses for the one who did fault. And the one who did the fault will never improve because they always have excuses for the fault they did. I wonder why there is so many people in this world must relate their fault to the innocent one? Is it this will make them feel better? Why they are still not mature to differentiate good and bad , right and wrong? Why they can have such an irrational thinking? Is it something wrong with our education system and make them have this kind of irrational thinking?

Another irrational judgement from the same person. She say that a girl might be a playgirl and the girl might not serious in her relationship if she has two bf before..swt..why say like that? What makes her think like that? Don't you think it's not logical at all??I really don't know what to say...Seriously, so curious why they have such thinking..

不是我不够爱你，只是我不敢肯定，这爱，是不是最正确的。

很多人，因为寂寞而错爱了一人，但更多的人，因为错爱一人，而寂寞一生。我们可以彼此相爱，却注定了无法相守。不是我不够爱你，只是我不敢肯定，这爱，是不是最正确的。

看了这句话，我想起的第一个人就是你。我开始怀疑我和你的关系，是不是正确的。我跟你都还没开始，我们之间就已存在着那么多问题，这些问题是不是暗示我们并不适合对方。从最小的问题，我们不见面就没话题到更大的问题，并不是我们有心去解决就行的。既然我们还没在一起就发现这些问题的存在，我们是不是应该放弃更进一步的关系？如果我们勉强在一起，以后受的伤害是不是更大？

我真的不肯定我们现在的关系是否正确，我也不懂这样的感情是否对你我都好。我真的不想害自己，也拖累了你，成为你心里的负担。。。。有了前两次的经验，我变得超级懦弱，我变得害怕新的感情，我害怕再次受伤，我也害怕带给你麻烦。反正我都无法肯定这感情是否正确，我是不是应该放弃？放弃了，你我都不必兜了一大圈才发现错误。如果在一起后才发现我们根本不适合，是不是已太迟了？谁来告诉我我应该前进还是退后?

你说的爱

你说
你会抱我 让我安心入睡
你会牵我 走遍天涯海角

你说
你会疼我 至到海枯石烂
你会爱我 至到天荒地老

以为
身在天堂 我却不曾快乐
到达终点 却失去了方向

其实
你说的爱 幸福遥不可及
你说的爱 从来不属于我
你说的爱 令我难以释怀

你不懂我

我的眼睛
看不透你
爱我的心
不懂我复杂的情
你给的幸福
让我窒息
温暖手心
我不想紧握
宽厚肩膀
我不想停留



P/S: 献给不懂我的你。。。

I need an aircon!

Shit! It's so hot here! Why Kampar's wheather so hot especially at night?! I can't even sleep well at night! I keep sweating like just came out from swimming pool when sleeping! Shit! Really angry! I didn't sleep well for many nights already! So tired! My temper become worse! A small matter can easily annoy me!Shit! I really dunno why the room fixed with aircon but the management not allow us to use! So funny! Got aircon but cannot use! They thought we won't feel hot by just looking at the stupid aircon?! I also don't know what's wrong with the stupid fan. It come out with hot wind only! Shit! I am so angry! Everything in Kampar like hell!!Shit Kampar!Hate Kampar more and more!

红豆。。

有时候选择留恋，并不为什么，而是已习惯。。。就像不舍得把臭臭丢了换新的抱枕，并没有什么理由，而是已习惯了。。习惯了抱着那臭臭的感觉。。习惯了它的味道。。。虽然它不是新的，也不见得是最好的，但就是令人不愿割舍。。。它就像忠实的听众，当你把它抱在怀里，就像无声的对它述说着你的点点滴滴。。。当你哭泣，它从不嫌弃你的眼泪。。。它一直默默地陪在你身边，静静地陪你度过无数个寂寞的夜晚。。

还没好好的感受
雪花绽放的气候
我们一起颤抖
会更明白什么是温柔
还没跟你牵着手
走过荒芜的沙丘
可能从此以后学会珍惜
天长和地久
有时候有时候
我会相信一切有尽头
相聚离开都有时候
没有什么会永垂不朽
可是我有时候
宁愿选择留恋不放手
等到风景都看透
也许你会陪我看细水长流


还没为你把红豆
熬成缠绵的伤口
然后一起分享
会更明白相思的哀愁
还没好好的感受
醒着亲吻的温柔
可能在我左右
你才追求孤独的自由
有时候有时候
我会相信一切有尽头
相聚离开都有时候
没有什么会永垂不朽
可是我有时候
宁愿选择留恋不放手
等到风景都看透
也许你会陪我看细水长流
有时候有时候
我会相信一切有尽头
相聚离开都有时候
没有什么会永垂不朽
可是我有时候
宁愿选择留恋不放手
等到风景都看透
也许你会陪我看细水长流

这首歌是王菲的红豆，我很同意一切有尽头，世上的确是没什么是永垂不朽，即使是人与人的感情也不例外。。但有时候我宁愿选择留恋已逝去的感情。。。我不放手，不接受改变。。没有特殊理由。。。只因已习惯。。。

无奈。。。

为什么？为什么人生的路有那么多阻碍？难道人生的路就不能永远平顺没阻阻碍吗？我不想走也懒得走了。。。难道人生注定无奈？不无奈，没阻碍，没痛苦就不是人生了吗？厌倦的人能说放弃。。甚至是弃权不玩了吗？？？我有弃权的选择吗？？为什么就连选择的权利也没有？？哎。。有时候。。不是我不想。。只是没能力。。。没选择。。。这就是人生的无奈。。。我不能满足你的要求。。。更不能满足我自己。。。这就是人生该有的样子？

Honesty is the best policy?

Today's lecture class having an individual assignment. I wonder why it is called as individual assignment because at the last 15 minutes before we submit the answer having a discussion among assignment groups and we can check answers in lecture notes. Everyone must submit their answer sheet and the mark will be allocated to every members in the group for the correct answers.However, all group members' answers must be the same. Mark will not be given to every member in that group for their correct answers if one of the group member's answer is incorrect. The lecturer says that if one of the group member absent, no marks will be given to that group. One of my group member called N absent from the class and it's impossible to ask him to come on time because he is on the way from KL to Kampar. After discuss with another group member called S, we decide to tell our lecturer that N is absent. The lecturer told us that she will discuss with another lecturer about this matter. After S finished answer all the questions, he copy another set of answer for N. It seems like everything would be fine. But i think I am wrong. When I ask the lecturer whether she can give me one more copy of question paper(we must submit the answer sheet that attached with the question paper), I can tell from her expression that she is not willing to give it (I can understand this bacause this might cause her into trouble..haiz..). Then I asked her to give me the question paper again she replied me that she don't know (means that she will pretend don't know that we helped N do all those things). I am so grateful that she help us to cover all those things that we do. Not that I think it's right to do this or encourage others to do it, what we wanna do is trying to help our group member and may be we just wanna help ourselves. I know that it's wrong to do like that and it's considered as cheating. I wonder why I wil agree to help N (he asked me to help him because he knows he can't reach here on time and i agree to help him too)? I also wonder why I will do like that because it might cause our lecturer into trouble. Am I helping myself (because the lecturer said marks will not be given for that group if one of the member absent) or I am really wanna help my friend?Would I do all these for him if the lecturer did not say like that? Perhaps I will submit one more copy of answer sheet on his behalf secretly if the teacher did not say like that and I think I won't tell the lecturer that one of the group member is absent....What if I did not tell the lecturer that N is absent and submit one more copy of answer sheet on his behalf? Will the lecturer know that? I really confuse now...May be don't tell the lecturer is a better solution..I can copy one more answer for N but it's too late now...The lecturer send message to me and told me that every member in my group will be allocated mark besides N and ask me to inform him to see her during consultation hours.I feel guilty ...I agreed to help him but everything goes wrong ...What a awkward situation is it now?!
I agreed my friend, W to help him to apply motor sticker so he don't need to enter hostel area with a visitor pass and he don't need to stop at guard house waiting the guard to copy down his I/C at the night time.After filled up the application form and attached all the neccessary documents, I went to the office and submit it just now. That person in charge asked me for my father's handphone number. She wanna confirm it with my father because the motor is not register under my name or my parents' name. I cheat her that the motor is registered under my cousin's name and my cousin is from Ipoh (actually the motor is registered under W's name). I knew that I can't tell her my father's real handphone number so I tell her another friend, J's hanphone number.So, she dialled J's handphone number. Luckily, she can't get through J's number.Everything is ok but I can't answer her what is my motor plate number!!!Why am I so stupid?!In order make it real, I cheat her again! I told her that I havn't get my motor yet because my family havn't send it to me.Haiz...Then she asks me to go to apply again after I get my motor. I am really worry now...Haiz..What if she reveals me? Is it the management is going to blacklist my name? Will they call my parents?What should I do now? Should I continue to cheat the person in order to get the motor sticker or tell the person that my family is not going to send the motor to me because of some problems (Haiz...cheating again..)? How am i going to tell my friend? Should I tell him that I can't apply for him because of some procedure problems?
Haiz...Really confuse now....Why everything goes wrong? Honesty is the best policy.Is it true?