Friends

I can feel my new classmates really wanna make friends with each other sincerely. I can sensethe sincerity among us. One of the definition of sincerity is freedom of hypocrisy. It's happy to know that I don't need to put on a mask in front of them. They don't need to do that either. I think I shall mix around with them more often.However, I still feel there is some distance between me and the class if compared to others in the class. I know it's my own problem. I am not that easy to open my heart to accept others or trust them. I used to be like that. It's not easy to open my heart to accept them suddenly. I need time.

I wonder is it that god hear my prayer and give me such a good chance to have more friends.
As we know, it's easy to have many friends but very difficult to have a true friend who can accept you for who you are. Therefore, you might have a lot of friends but don't even have one good friend or you might only have a few friends but all of them are your good friends who really understand you. Someone told me that friends is only for you to spend your free time. I am quite agree with it if you refer to normal friends.To me, true friends arenot only who you spend your free time with but they are willing to help you when you have difficulties. At least, they will lend you their ears when you need someone to listen to you. Btw, I should take initiative if i wish to have more friends, right?

Desperate

I hate socialization. To me, socialize with others really hard. Harder than maths. Harder than everything. I wonder why I can't do it well. Facing so many people everyday tires me. Really tired. Sometimes I would think that may be I am predestined to be alone in my life. May be I am not suitable to be a friend, a good friend, a good girlfriend or good family member. I should be deserted by everyone.

I don't know how others judge me. I don't really know they like me or hate me. It seems I can get along with them very well. It seems like everything is fine. It seems like I am the one being so sensitive. I hate myself care about it so much. I hate myself for being so sensitive. I shouldn't think about it. Everything will be fine. I should not worry about it.

I guess I am too desperate today....zzz

Friendship

While I am still at home preparing things to attend QT lecture class, one of my classmate asks me whether he need to book a seat for me in the class. Wow, so nice! You might think cheh, it is not a big deal or you might wonder why I am so happy. Haha. This is the 1st time someone ask me whether need to book a seat for me in the class since I enter this Uni. So, it is not unusual that I feel happy right? It is impossible that I can get the front seat if he did not book for me and I sure can't see the slides clearly on the board because we are not in DDK. Imagine that hundred++ students in the class and you sit at behind. I think you can see the board only if you are real tall. LOL.By the way, thanks to you , Young.

This makes me recall something happened last week. The management lecturer asked us to introduce ourselves. Once I finished introduced myself, one of my classmate say that he is from Johor too and he can fetch me back to hometown during sem break. Quite surprise because that is the 1st time I entered the class and he do not know me well yet he is willing to do like that. Of course, I did not say yes yet because I worry that he won't agree to share the petrol expenses.

After all, my new classmates seems like very nice and helpful. Haha. It seems like this will be a wonderful semester! Hope that our friendship can last long. Have a nice day!

Life

Eating alone. Studying alone. Listening songs alone. A peaceful day. Quite happy with it. Noone interupt me. I can do anything I like. I can do my things without any disturbance. I enjoy the silent environment. No noise. Good environment for me to study. The best thing is don't need to speak with anyone. It's good to be alone. I hate to face people. I hate crowded place. I like to be silent even when I be with friends. It's not that I don't know the way to express myself, not that I don't have my own opinion. It's simply because I like to keep words to my own. I rarely express myself in words in front of others and most probably I only express myself with facial expressions. A bad habit. I pull long my face whenever I feel unhappy. I should correct it as soon as possible.

Well. Back to the topic. I like to be alone but there is always many things come into my mind when i am alone. I looked into mirror after I finished bathing , I saw a dull face. Suddenly, I feel I am uglier than before. In fact, I never think that I am pretty but I really looks uglier today. I am not energetic anymore. I don't see my passion towards life. I feel so tired. Is it that I can't see my bright future? I keep thinking about my future these days. Did I choose the correct path of my life by entering this uni and pursuing this course?

Really confusing. Is this kind of life suits me? Or I have to change myself and try to fit in? I am not gifted. I am not talented in anything. Many people say that I have good fashion sense but what can I do with it? I can only choose nice clothes for myself. Besides doll up myself with clothes, what else can I do? I can't be a good fashion designer. I am not good in drawings. I am not born with it. I can't even learn it well. Not to say be a good fashion designer, I can't even be a normal fashion designer because I can't even draw! So, the main point is I can't use fashion sense to earn money. Some of them say I good in chinese language. I think about proceed to chinese studies in degree course. But it seems unrealistic to take this course due to the little chance to get a good job, somemore I don't wanna be a teacher. So, pursuing chinese studies in degree is impossible.

I remember my parents and teachers taught me to be a good girl and do well in exam then only I can succeed in my life. In fact, I think I still can't see my bright future even i try very hard to study and get an excellent result. I know that my result is not excellent but it is still can be considered as average and at least it is not bad compared to others. I knew I am smart enough to get better result. I knew that I am capable to do it well as long as I willing to put in more effort. I knew it. I am very sure I will get it as long as I try harder. But still, why don't I see my bright future is waiting for me? Is it true that I must change and try hard to fit in the situation? I must love what I have chosen, right? I know that I have the ability to solve any problems and survive in any bad situation. I always believe that there is nothing impossible for me. So, does it means that I can get through all these obstacles as long as I am willing to do so?

Feeling better after writing it out... At least those questions won't distract me during studying..Gotta go to continue studying now..

Demotivated

Another sem has been started. I am pursuing Bachelor in Financial Economics now. I am not sure if this is the right choice. I know it's too late to regret or whatsoever now. I think what I can do now is responsible for my choice. I think the course should not be a problem as long as I put effort on it right?

I am extremely distress eventhough it's 1st week of this sem. Feeling demotivated to do anything. I am so worry that I can't get good result in degree. I told myself that I must start studying from now. It is a must! If i wish to get good result, if i wish myself can at least be listed in Dean list, I must put a lot of effort in studying and not feeling demotivated to do anything just like what happen now.

Althought i feel demotivated to do anything, I still take out my notes and try to concentate on it. At least i tried it! I guess this is the only good thing in this week. At least I didn't waste my time on doing nothing. Swt...I know that I can't keep feeling demotivated but I am really disinterested in everything now! Can someone tell me what happen to me? Can anyone tell me what should I do to motivate myself?

Life lies

Well...I don't like to twist and turn. I don't like to hide my feeling in front of everyone but my life is different from now onwards. I can't reveal my true feeling in front of everyone. I am not that straight forward anymore. Tell frankly, i find it hard to hide my true feeling but i have to learn. I knew it's important to survive in this world. I have to put on a mask so that others will like me. I have to hide the truth and tell people those things they like to listen to. Actually, it is not that hard. I am smart enough to master it. Seriously, i have to learn to be fake so that I can succeed in my life. Alisson, you must learn it!

I won't tell you the truth. I won't tell you my true feeling. It will only make everything goes wrong. It will only affect our life. I found something interesting. It sounds funny because I not dare to request anything from you. Until now, this is the only thing that I hide from you so you will never know what I need. Well. May be I really don't need anything from you.Sounds funny right? I can request everything directly from everyone but not you. Anyway, I should keep it up to be fake. Don't blame me for putting on a mask.

解释永远是多余，了解我的人不需要，不了解我的人没必要。

最近，发生了一些莫名其妙的事，真的让我大开眼界，原来人性如此丑恶。现实残酷，我渐渐觉得，原来人也是可以性本恶的。有些人就是如此荒唐，当他们指着你说你时，他们总是忘了其他手指是指着他们自己。真的很讽刺，既然自己都是这样的人，为什么就不先管教好自己，再来批评别人的错误呢？令人咋舌的是，有些人总爱以为比别人年长几年，就觉得自己比别人成熟，比别人更经验丰富。虽然很多人都觉得老人的经验丰富，思想也比较成熟，但他们往往因此而忽略了自己也只是个会犯错的平凡人，他们也不会是完美的人。奇怪的是，为什么他们容许自己犯错，却不能包容别人的缺点或错误呢？为什么心地如此狭窄，眼光如此短浅？我个人倒不认为这是顽固的表现，当然也不完全是个性使然，而是每件事都会有盲点。而他们所看的，所想的，都是因为盲点的存在而忽略了真相。有些人总爱说旁观者清，当他们的理由不再是理由，他们就会以旁观者清为理由。他们忘了，他们并不是旁观者，而是间接的参与其中。如果要看清整件事，他们应该不让自己参与其中。如果事情已经牵涉自己，请别理直气壮地用旁观者清作为自己的理由。旁观者是看着整件事发生的人，如果你没亲耳听见，亲眼看见整个过程，就请别说你是旁观者。对不起，你连旁观者都不是。所以，请别胡乱猜测，胡乱下定论，因为你的意见往往有盲点。为什么会有盲点的存在？就是用为你并不了解整个状况。

值得庆幸的是，有盲点的意见，有盲点的批评不会存在太久。因为这些假象都会不攻自破，时间会证明一切。因此，对于很多事，我没必要澄清。就如标题所写，解释永远多余，了解我的人不需要，不了解我的人没必要。关于别人对我的错误看法，我想这是因为他们不认识我，不了解我。 既然不认识也不了解我，就请别批评我的为人及我的性格。另一方面，我想如果有些人认为自己的判断正确，那就由他吧。反正真相总会有大白的一天，也许知道真相后他们才会发现自己犯的错。但真的没关系，既然他都乐于如此，那就由他吧。人总是会从自己的错误中学习，成长。高兴的是，了解我的人并不会认同那些人对我的看法。正因为他们认识我，了解我，所以他们的意见及看法才是值得我接纳的。我希望大家不要因为别人不接受你的意见，就随意觉得别人固执或不成熟，因为你没想过自己的意见是否真的值得别人接纳。